Pink

It has been nearly a year since I have blogged. Wow. I used to blog so often... Twitter has ruined me. What a shame.

I have been discovering myself more and more. I find that i make a new discovery almost monthly. This month it is that I am stubbornly, crazily, and fiercely loyal.

This may come as no surprise to some of you that know me. I am just realizing the depths of my fierce loyalty. A quote from one of my favorite shows struck me today.

"Our animal instinct is to savage any threat to our loved ones. Its how we're wired."

I feel this intensely, and almost immediately towards a person that I adore for one reason or another. I am stubborn and steadfast in my belief that nothing should taint the beauty in the people I love. I have always viewed it as a type of possessiveness... What and who I love are in my keeping, and as such are mine and any threat to them is a threat to their happiness and as such a threat to me and will be dealt with as such.

Most recently, a friend of mine's health has been threatened with something that could possibly be similar to what I have lost another to in the past. This angers me beyond belief, and yet I know that my anger and my faith, my resolute faith, will help get me and others through this. This woman is far too amazing for this to be anything other than a character and strength building exercise on God's part.

I am furious that someone as beautiful as she is has to go through even an ounce of pain and that I can do nothing about it but be there. Helplessness is not a good feeling when you're as resolutely protective as I am. I will savage this threat with as much energy and strength as I can. I will pour fourth my strength to save a loved one the pain that is unnecessary to them.

I hate to see the ones I love being hurt or discomforted in any way... Loneliness, a sense of lacking love, a sense of deep fear that one can never be good enough, physical, emotional, mental... all the pain that one can lock themselves into... To see a loved one go through this puts me at my most protective...

I wish I could allow my loved ones into my mind, to share my views of them, so that they could see themselves as I see them... the courage and strength, the honor, the humor, the sadness, the laughter, the edges, the immense beauty. Understand me in that if I have ever reached to you, you are in this group of mine. This dubious crazed protection I offer. You are, even if unaware, kept in a place of respect and honor in my very soul.

I cannot express the depths of this feeling. I am intense in my desire to savage any threat to that which is mine. My love is a strong thing. My faith is stronger. My people are mine.

Today is always a weird day for me.

Sometimes I am concious of it and have the time to prepare myself. Sometimes, it sneaks up on me and then I'm blindsided by tears and memories. Today is latter.

Today, by a sort of accident I was given the day off. My coworker is on vacation and so I covered for her yesterday giving me today off. Then this morning I realized what today was. Eleven years ago... almost to the hour... my mother passed away.

You know, its been 11 years. Its been hard but it gets easier day to day. Day to day, you dont really notice. Sometimes you find that you're reminded of the person, but it doesnt make you cry. Big things can make you sad. Mother's day, Anniversaries, Weddings, Birthdays... You know what you're missing on those days.

I have this great green glitter bracelet that remindes me of one of my favorite memories of my mom. Every St. Patrick's day, we would make leprechaun traps. One year I made a little shoe box bar, complete with a mug of beer from my Barbies. Then while we slept, she would go around and cover everything in a trail of green glitter, including us. Do you have any idea what a pain it is to get green craft glitter out of my hair? But, the leprechaun trails would lead us to our traps and we'd find chocolate gold coins and other treats to make up for the Leprechaun dancing on our heads. Every time I wear the bracelet, I think of this and smile.

In the immortal words of e.e. cummings,
"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere"

Mom, I love you and miss you.

My kitchen and my laundry room are clean. I adore this.
My cats have new toys that are all full of catnip, so my 4 cats are all high as kites. I adore this as well.

First, the Kitchen and the Laundry room. Jeff and I got up yesterday and with no fussing at all, got to cleaning. He took the kitchen and I took the laundry room. The kitchen was scary in its own right. We've all been there. However the laundry room was home to that which only a rugby wife can know. Cleat gunk, discarded chew cans, the strange funk that takes over... I pulled back the dryer and cleaned behind it and in its tubey thing. (hee tubey thing) I found 3 cleat wrenches, and 2 mouth guards, not to mention a mountain of socks. But, all that has been scrubbed and scoured away and my laundry supplies are now reorganized and nestled into their bin, the clothes are separated into piles of whites, darks and reds, unless jeff touches them, then they're just piles. Its freaking magical. Our bedroom is a mess, but with a clean laundry room, I feel like it won't be for long.

Jeff did a remarkable job on the kitchen as well. My counters are clean and so are my dishes. Insert dreamy sigh here. I organized my cabinets this morning, before my coffee. They're lovely. I have to periodically organize them because if I dont, I end up playing the "If I were Jeff, where would I put this?" game. I've gotten good at it, so much so that I think he's just fucking with me at this point, putting my measuring cups at the back of the tallest shelf. Now I get to organize the pantry and then clean out the fridge. (I know you're saying to yourself "get to?" Ew.) No. Its fantastic. When I organize my pantry, it makes the obessive compulsive side of me jump up and down in glee. And cleaning out the fridge makes for easier and more creative cooking. If I know what I have and where it is, I can continue to delight tastebuds instead of boring them. I am truly delighted to have such main parts of my house clean. Now that my kitchen is clean though, I find things like this and take my fantasizing to the next step. When I see that, the Heavens open up and Angels sing. It will be mine.

On to the kitties... Terri volunteers for the Humane Society of Mason County and needed buckets for the food. My boss orders pickles by the bucket, and as such, has tons left over. I asked, she consented and now Terri is the proud holder of 20 5 gallon buckets that smell vaguely of pickles. Because I delivered them, and because Terri had some kitty toys that were just sitting there, my kitties got Christmas 5 months early. We opened all the toys for them, distributed the catnip accordingly and watched the cats lose their fucking minds. It was hilarious. at first they were just playing, then they started to get high and fucking wigged out. Eyeballs got wide, claws came out and toys started dying. Well, to the psycho kitties anyway. Everything is perfectly in tact and awaiting their next stonefest. I have to say that last night was the most peaceful sleep that Jeff and I have gotten since we got the younger two cats. We only had to spray Donnelly off the curtains once. I also applied to be a foster parent to kitties. Mason County doesnt have a very big shelter, so they rely heavily on foster families. I like the idea of this because instead of killing the excess animal population, they try to find permanent homes. I'm pretty damn good with cats, so I think I'm a good candidate to be a foster parent. I have two things to do first though. I need to get the girls spayed and I need to get the wonder of all litter boxes. I'm letting Gus-gus grow more before we whack his hairballs off.

I'm diggin' my home right now. I'm such a homebody, and to have it in relative harmony just does me good.

The Bush administration is about to release a rule that will consider IUDs and oral contraception as abortion methods and as such, limit access to them. Every woman I know is on birth control or has been at some point in her life as a necessity in her choice to not have a child.

Look at this link, read the letters from the Senate and even from the Republicans, the editorials from newspapers, read the rule itself. Please send a letter of your own. The main site even makes that easy for you by providing a letter that you can edit on your own.

renewal Over the past few months I've had a rollercoaster of a life.

My dad was in the hospital for a heart attack about a week and a half ago. Of course, since it was my dad, it wasnt a REAL heart attack. Just the onset of one, but then they put a stint in his heart, through his femoral. Of course, since it was my dad, it was only MINOR surgery. He then had to stay because he had a pulmonary embolism and deep vein thrombosis. Of course, since it was my dad, it was just a blood clot near his heart and one in a MINOR vein in his leg. Are you getting the theme here? I love my dad, and I certainly dont want to lose him, but there were times that Terri and I were sorta plotting his death since he wasnt really in any danger of dying, according to him.Yeah. My dad. He thinks he's invincible. We keep trying to convince him that he's actually deaf, old and in very real risk of dropping dead at any time, which would have happened if he had gotten his way and was released from the hospital before they found the blood clots. So for a week, I spent my time split between the hospital, work and my bed. He's now out, doing better and on several medications to fortunately keep him around and annoying us for a long time. The nurse pulled me aside the night he was in the ER and tried to assure me that he would be fine. I laughed and told her "My father is a crotchety old bastard. The man will live forever." She chuckled nervously and told me that "he's kindof a control freak..." I laughed and told her to try living with him. None the less, I'm happy to have my crotchety control freak of a father home and feeling better.

I think that this is probably instrumental in my coming out of a depression that I was sorta unaware I was in. Suddenly I feel better about my life and situation. Not that I have a bad situation, but the whole non-successful pregnancy thing and other things in my life really broke me down. I'm finding my strength again and loving that. Not to be too self centered or anything, but I'm truly fantastic when I'm at my best and I think I'm getting back to that. I have a healthy sense of self love and to counteract that, self loathing. My self love is coming back. I got up this morning and actually cleaned my house.  I've been so down that I felt lost in the mess with no way out. Today is better. Tomorrow will be too.

Fuck everyone who wants big boobs. Seriously. You all suck. You dont get it.

There are precious few cute bras out there for someone of my breasticle size. Most of the bras in the DDD/E size are either materinity bras or look like something from the 1950's with the pointyness. The LAST thing my gigantic rack needs is to be pointy. I already run into crap. I dont need to stab it as well. And lord help me if I want to wear something with a halter strap or spaghetti straps. A halter strap is not fun for me after an hour, because it hurts my neck and spaghetti straps cant happen because any bra I wear has to have straps that are at least a half inch wide if not more.
I used to enjoy underwear and bra shopping. It was a treat for me, something that my mom made special for me. I love having matching sets and I love having the knowledge that I'm looking especially fine in hardly anything. But now? Now my bras cover more than my bathing suit top.
Men may think they like big breasts but most guys only like big boobs that are in bras or are fake and look like gravity gave them a pardon. Because real big boobs are not that hot. They're heavy and after kids, they're gonna look like oranges in tube socks. Not hot.

The only good thing about gigantic boobs is the ability to smother someone without a pillow and the ability to hypnotize some men without formal training.

Those of you that are C or less, enjoy it. You get cute, cheap bras that can be any style, shape or design.

Stupid boobs.

As the title suggests -
Two things:  

1) The Bible is fucking ridiculously hilarious. I've never actually sat down and read anything other than the kid's version. I was bored and jeff has like 5 of them, so I said, What the hell? I give you proof of the idiocy:
"Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"
The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."
So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this,
"Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman,and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head,and you will strike his heel."
To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."
Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living."
Translation:
God: "DUDE! What the crap?!
Woman: "He told me to."
God: "Dude. You guys suck so much. I dont like you anymore! And 'cause you did that, you're gonna slither around on the ground and people wont like you and women will stomp on you with their high heels. Yeah. Bet you wish you didnt talk her into that now huh? And you! You're gonna have to push a full size baby through a hole thats the size of it's hand. Yeah. Have fun with that one. Its gonna hurt like hell. AND ADAM! Dude. I though we were Bros but Nooooo you had to go and do it too. You suck so much you're dirt. Oh yeah. I said DIRT. You're gonna try to plant stuff and it wont grow and then you'll die and turn into dirt. Yeah! thats what you get for fucking with me, GOD! Jackasses. "
Adam: "So what do you think about Eve as your name? I like it..."
Eve: "Sweet."

2) I was listening to the radio the other day and heard "Something about a woman" and realized that we dont appreciate that 'somthing about a man' enough. I have to say that while women are truly beautiful, theres just this thing about a man that mystifies me. The muskiness under his cologne, the heat in their eyes, the feirceness and softness about them.. I just truly adore them. Nothing makes my day complete like hugging and loving on a man. I dont mean "loving on" in the dirty sense. I mean truly loving them.. The men in my life mean so much to me... Brothermine, Jeff, Dad, Eric, Jarrod... they all are special and fantastic in their own way...

Regardless of the frustrations they cause and lack of manners that they sometimes have, I adore them. Take some time to appreciate the man in your life.

I find myself wishing on a day like today that my mom was here, to help me through all this. I have so many wonderful stand in mothers, Terri, Colleen, Mimi and a few others. Women who have been there in so many ways for me, each one filling a different role, sometimes overlapping. But I still cant shake the desire to put my head in my mom's lap, have her brush out my hair and tell me everything will be okay.

I hear her words every day. "You're strong enough." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" These are things that get me through my days, mantras to convince myself that life is okay. But when the cramping started as we sat down to dinner with Jeff's family, I couldnt help but think that life is just plain cruel sometimes. Here we are at a mother's day celebration and my body is rejecting the very thing that would make me one.

The medication makes it so that I'm thirsty all the time, and want to vomit after I eat, and its doing horrid things to my digestion. I'm tired and sick and in pain. Nothing is helping fill the void. I feel so empty. I dont know how much longer I can handle this.

I want my mommy. I cant have her, and I cant be one. Yes. Its a pity party for me right now. Fuck off. I miss her. Her laugh, her hands, the look in her eyes. She was so amazing. Truly, she was a real person, as fucked up and flawed as they come, but she was my mother and she knew just how to make me feel better. I never have had that same level of comfort since.

Give your mom an extra hug. You dont know how lucky you are.

And to every woman that has been there for me in a mothering capacity, thank you. You have no idea what your outreach has meant to me. I am lucky to have such fantastic women in my life, so many more than I could name. I love you. Happy Mother's Day. Thank you.

Yesterday, Jeff called me at work and told me that the blood test had come back and the HCG hormones were going up AGAIN. So, I get to get two more shots in my tush. We set up the appointment for today at 1:30. The nurse told Jeff that in her 15 years at Seattle Women's Clinic she's only seen one other case like this. Fantastic. I'm the anomaly. Fanfuckingtastic.

This morning, I woke up at 5:00 in pain, again, like I was when this whole fucking thing started. I'm so angry. I took a vicodin and tried to go back to sleep. The pain wouldnt go away so I took another at 6. I was able to fall asleep. I woke up at 8, got up feeling no pain, until I walked across the room. I fell against the counter and sucked it up. I got dressed and as far as getting my socks on when Jeff put the kibosh on me going to work. He told me that if I couldnt walk across the room, I couldnt go to work. I called work crying. I just have to say I love my coworkers and my boss. They're so fantastic to me.

I'm now upstairs after a very long slow trip. I intend on staying here until I need to get dressed.

I want this to be over with. I'm just so sick of it.

Thursday, I called the Seattle Women's Clinic and spoke with a triage nurse there who listened to my story and asked to get a blood sample from me to see what my HCG levels were at. I went in at 10:30 and had my blood drawn. I was told to stand by for the results to see if I needed to come into the office or not. The idea was that if the numbers went down, then I would go to work and continue as normal. Well, unfortunately the numbers went up, so I had to go in. I didnt find out until about 3:30, so I had to go in the next day.

Friday, I went to the office, sat in an uncomfortably hot room and waited. At this point I was pretty sure I was going to have to "interfere" with the pregnancy. I waited with Jeff and logically, I knew it was fine and that the whole thing wasnt my fault and that I wasnt choosing this, that it was a necessity. The doctor came in and explained the hormone levels and what it meant. She listened to our concerns and answered all of our questions. We agreed to go with the Methotrexate. I gave them my blood and the nurse came into the room with two syringes full of a yellow liquid. She had an odd look on her face, and Jeff was starting to smirk.
I looked at the two of them and had a horrible thought. "This isnt going to be in my butt is it?"
The nurse cringed and said "I'm so sorry! You didnt know?"
Jeff laughs "I DID!"
Bastard. I laid down on the table and bared both cheeks and told Jeff its all his penis's fault. Making a nurse laugh before she puts a needle in your ass cheek is ill advised. At any rate, I got both shots, which hurt and headed home with grumbling and soreness. Methotrexate is a drug used to treat cancer, so it had some interesting side effects. While I was at work, I must have drank a gallon of water. I couldnt get enough. I was so thirsty. Nor could I eat a damned thing. I was so nauseous. I forced myself to eat dinner.

They told me that cramping would most likely start in a couple days. It started Saturday night, when I was having margarita night with the girls. I ignored it until I got home. I was doubled over in pain. Jeff took me to the 24 hour Walgreens pharmacy and we got my vicodin script filled. I took one and went to bed.

The cramping was bad until Monday. Its been barely present. I'm not through the woods yet. I have to get blood tested tomorrow and we'll see if the numbers go down.

The odd thing is that I know all the logical stuff. It makes no difference to my emotions though. I feel like it should hurt more... longer. I feel like it should not just be a blip and a bill to the hospital. Not just a $5000 shrug. I feel like somehow its my fault. That I wasnt happy enough soon enough. That my negativity made it fail. I failed at the one thing a female body is designed to do.

When you comment, please dont discount or dismiss these feelings. Please dont feel the need to tell me that its not my fault and that it was just not the right time. I said before. I get the logical stuff. I have to work on the emotional and it won't be fixed by a reassuring comment. I have to do it on my own.

I got the results of my blood draw. At this point, the hormones have raised slightly. Dr. Douche wants me to come into his office tomorrow and take Metheltrexaline (sp) which will disolve the "pregnancy tissue" or have surgery. At about the 5th mention of surgery during our conversation, I let him know that I would discuss it with my husband and get back to him.

I feel like this Dr. is focusing too heavily on ectopic and possibly cutting me open. I called a colleague of Jeff's and asked for a second opinion. She was not on call, but the Dr. that called me back was reasonable and calm. She listened to my story and my numbers, and let me know that at this point its probably an unsuccessful pregnancy, but not likely ectopic because the hormone levels aren't high enough.

Now, this is the type of information I wanted from the start. I feel confident that this unknown doctor, this woman who has never looked at my chart can give me a reasonable response like this.

She calls it an "unsuccessful pregnancy" because there is nothing to miscarry, since its just a fertilized egg and no actual "pregnancy tissue." My hormone levels are only at about 200, whereas they would need to be 2000 in order to see anything on an ultrasound. These are things I would have loved to have known at the beginning of the week.

She suggested that instead of following through with the "rashness of surgery or termination" I should just allow nature to take its course, especially since the preganacy is new enough that I havent even missed a period.

So, with this news, emotions have settled. I'm finished with Dr. Douche. He's horrid and far too focused ..ting me open for my taste. I'm glad to know that I'm in no danger of spontainously bleeding to death as Dr. Douche liked to remind me. So, we'll wait to see if I have a period and go from there.

Thanks for hanging in for the ride.

Oh, and Girls, if I do get my period, we're sooooo on for my birthday care package! If not, we'll wait.

I get to work today and where it is normally populated by the elderly out on their weekly escape from whatever home they may be trapped in, it is instead populated with any combination of the following: pregnant women, toddlers, or mommies and daddies with their new babies.

I can only assume that at this point, God is just fucking with me. I cant see why else  this parade of that which I am in danger of losing would be of any use. I'm used to life asking me to bend over and relax, but quite frankly, I'm exhausted and would like a break from all this crap. 

Tomorrow is my blood draw. I'll let people know the results as soon as I can.

No, I’m not dead.
Current mood: productive

After getting several calls and text messages asking me if I'm alive or other such questions, I figure I should post a blog to update.

Life has been lovely, but difficult. I'm working hard at the bakery, trying to solidify their belief that I am worth the effort that they can put into me. I yearn to go to school and study pastry. Right now, I adore my job. I work hard and while some people may not think that making sandwiches and serving food is a fantastic career choice, I take pride in it. I'm not working at a subway or something, I'm working at a bakery that provides quality food made from the best  possible ingredients. I love it.

Money is horrendously tight right now. Painfully so. Oh well. I was raised with the view that things will always get better. I have faith that it will. I trust that while things are tight right now, things will work out for the best.

We cleaned the house yesterday, and now all I want to do is keep cleaning. The kitchen and the living room are clean, papers have been shredded, and the couches have been arranged so that we can seat 8 or more comfortably. There are things to be done still of course. Kitchen table to be finished, shelves to be hung, kitchen to be reorganized to make room, etc.

My friends really make a difference to me. I find myself missing them through the week. Schedules make it tough for 4 people to get together but I'm looking forward to my girls weekend with them. They help ground me in a way that Jeff just can't.

I love falling back in love with my husband. We had a rough time of it for a while, but things are going well. Actually, right now, he's trying to make typing seem dirty. "Oh yeah. Type like that. Wait... slower... now hit the space bar."
Yeah. We laugh together again. He makes me smile. More importantly, I see him smiling.

My life is basically a work in progress right now. Nothing is quite perfect, but I'm not too worried. Things will work out in the end.

If there is one thing I have come to realize in my life its the amazing people that fill it and complete it. So through all of this, I want to say thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you for being a shoulder for me to cry on or crying on my shoulder.
Thank you for laughing and listening.
Thank you for sharing life's moments with me.
I am truly blessed by every single person in my life and the affect that they have on me. Thank you for being my friend, for your uniqueness. You are a blessing and you add richness to my life that I cannot even begin to show my appreciation for.
Through tough times or fun times, I can count on each and every one of you.
Thank you and I love you.

This weekend was one for the record books.

Saturday I had my interview stand in thingy with the Bakery. Oh, yeah. Those of you that dont know, I have been pursuing a job at a bakery. I hate DSL support and I like my soul. I met with the owner Monica who liked me and offered me a "try out" to see if I liked it. I accepted and it was Saturday. I loved it. I was exhausted by the end of the day, but happy. I plan on turning in my  2 weeks notice at Speakeasy on Monday.

From there, I met husband and friends at a Rugby fundraiser and from there ended up going to get my nephews and go to a barbeque. Said barbeque was a blast because everyone likes winter bbqs. Drinking, hot tubbing, bon firing and noshing all were involved. I packed the boys up and to my home around 1:30 am which included turning around 4 times and icy roads.

I get a call Sunday at 4am from my friend Jen. She informs me that they were in a roll over car accident. My husband was driving with Jen, John and Michelle and they hit a patch of black ice. Michelle and Jen went to the hospital and John calls to tell me Jeff is arrested. He has failed the field test and the breathalyzer tested .15. He asked for medical treatment and the officer refused him.

I was furious and worried and scared. After my brother showed up to stay here with his kids, I went to Harrison to see my friends. They're all okay, except Michelle. John has a nasty swollen lip, and cuts on his face, Jen is pale and a little scratched up. Michelle, I am told, has a cut on her face and as I later find out, a bleed in her brain. She was transported to Harborview for observation.

I'm freaked and angry and scared, but there is nothing I can do. I go home and my brother calms me down enough to put me to bed. Eventually, I get a call from Jeff. I find out that the BAC was wrong. His blood test was .07. I'm relieved when I realize that that makes sense with the 2 beers, 6 NA beers and the hot tubbing. Regardless he's in jail on a DUI and a DWLS (which makes no sense because as far as we knew it was in good standing) and he figures out a way to bail out. I go pick him up and we talk.

We've agreed that he will not be in any situations that involve alcohol, and he wont use any substance, even nicotine and near beer. He's going to AA. He's going to be a model recovering alcoholic so that this is never an issue again.

In the morning, we have court.  I get a report on Michelle. She has been released and is okay. Jeff cant feel the left side of his face. We decide that there isnt enough time to get him to the ER before court. I drive him to his arraignment and look at the paperwork. It all says .15. We're going to have to subpoena the records of the blood test. He gets a pretrial set for late February.

We go to the ER and report "head injury, neck injury, head and neck pain, facial numbness with blurred vision and 'wonky' pupil dilation." We wait for 3 1/2 hours. He has not been given a neck brace or anything. I asked the nurse why a sprained ankle took precedence over his head injury and she said "Well, He looks alright." I spittled at her before turning around and marching back to the chair. We had the next room. The nurse was strange. She couldnt remember what he said, even when she was writing it down. She was relieved by another nurse who asked "why isnt he in a collar?" to which she replied "well, he walked in on his own." *sigh*

The new nurse was highly competent as was the doctor. He decided that Jeff has "facial nuropathy" which means he bruised the hell out of his nerves which is why he cant feel any sensations on that side. He may need surgery. Other than that, its a concussion with a bruised shoulder. The concussion was severe enough that it would have caused him to not be able to pass the field sobriety test.

I develop a severe sore throat and cough during all this, which I attribute to winter hot tubbing.

I stayed home Monday and Tuesday because of all this. On Tuesday I get a call from HR at Speakeasy. I have been asked not to return due to too many absences. I laugh because God is showing me his or her sense of humor. I accept and I tell them that I'll be in tomorrow to get my things and sign anything I need to.

Today I have picked up all my things, said good bye cheerfully to a job that I hated and to a company that was good to me. I have been offered a job at Monica's Bakery and start Tuesday. We are still waiting for the attorney to call us back for Jeff's case and I have faith that everything will work out in the end.

One hell of a weekend.

HA.

This year, with the Christmas season upon us, I tried to have the love of the season that I was raised with. I did a pretty okay job until last night.

I was shown that Christmas the way I was raised is no longer alive in my family. Its a blow that I wasnt expecting and it hit me harder than I may have realized. I miss my Mom.

More importantly right now, I miss what she made the holidays. She made sure that the kids were the center of attention, the joy and love of the season was part of the innocence and pure belief of children. For a while that stayed alive in my family, because Terri seemed to feel the same way, but over the past two or three years, Christmas has deteriorated into a get together of adults who drink. I miss the christmas where all the kids showed up at the same time, sat in the living room and the room was then an explosion of toys and wrapping paper. It was wonderful. I dont know what has happened but its painful to see.

I miss a Thanksgiving where a family sits around the table, enjoys the food and family and actually SHARES what they're thankful for. A time of reflection and honoring the wonderful things in your life.

Ultimately, I miss what the holidays used to be. They used to be magical and meaningful. Now, they're full of drunken brawls, rudeness and pain. Maybe its because I'm older and the rose colored glasses are off, but I dont think so. I'm an adult and I still view the holidays with a mixture of joy, love and honor. I think that the reason people are cynical about it is because they gave up believing long ago. This is the first year that the belief was truly tested for me.

Next year will be better, because I will not allow these wonderful traditions that I was raised with to die. They're just too damned special. The holidays are a time for everyone to have wide eyed childlike joys.

[12:56] Pete: Mmmmmm smashed taters

[12:58] Leslie: I got a tato smasher and its perfect for frozen jews.
[12:59] Pete: What about thawed ones?
[13:00] Leslie: thawed ones dont need to be smashed
[13:00] Pete: I think that depends entirely on your perspective.
[13:01] Leslie: I'm not a Nazi
[13:01] Leslie: so they dont.
[13:02] Pete: Right. But there are people who are Nazis. And they may be in the market for a potato smasher that smashes thawed jews as well as frozen ones.
[13:03] Leslie: too bad for them
[13:05] Pete: You know, the jews being frozen doesn't make the smashing any more morally correct.
[13:05] Leslie: not true. they're tasty when mixed with water.
[13:05] Pete: Flavor does not address the moral quandary.
[13:05] Leslie: does too
[13:06] Leslie: it makes it okay to shoot bambi, why not smoosh jews?
[13:06] Pete: Because I'm pretty sure that jews count as people, and cannibalism is illegal.
[13:08] Leslie: jews went to concentration camps, frozen juice is from concentrate. Coincidence? I think not.
[13:09] Pete: You may indeed be correct. However, letting others do the processing  makes you no less morally responsible.
[13:10] Leslie: I dunno. I cant eat a crab that I killed because I've seen it alive, but I can eat a crab that someone else killed. I see no difference
[13:11] Pete: The difference is you're too much of a pansy to do the work.
[13:11] Pete: Pansy.
[13:11] Pete: Pansy Jew Smoosher..
[13:11] Leslie: heh.
[13:12] Leslie: I dont see the difference between that and jew wafers
[13:12] Leslie: Jesus was a jew and we eat him.
[13:12] Pete: He said it's cool, though. It's in the Bible. He was all, "Eat me" and shit.
[13:13] Leslie: you would shit after you ate a lot of him. its the way your body works
[13:13] Leslie: thats where the term Holy shit came from
[13:13] Pete: You're probably right.
[13:14] Pete: So you're saying you only smoosh jews in pursuit of a religious ideal?
[13:28] Leslie: no, equality
[13:28] Pete: How does it promote equality to smoosh processed jews?
[13:29] Leslie: if you only eat a holy jew, arent you being a little prejudiced?
[13:30] Pete: If you only eat jews, aren't you being a little prejudiced?
[13:30] Leslie: yes.
[13:30] Leslie: I eat polish dogs and stuff like that too
[13:30] Leslie: Mexican is one of my favorites
[13:30] Leslie: White bread is yummy
[13:30] Pete: Fair enough.

MY NOTE
2007-11-08 12:03:47 -
$USER called in upset that we billed her account without notifying her. She stated that she didnt pay the bill because she was having problems with webmail. I let her know that notice was sent on 11/03 and that by having her cc on file and accepting the terms of service, she allowed us to debit that card instead of freezing her account. She asked for a supervisor because she "had never been spoken to that way before."
I put her on hold to get a supervisor for her. As I was explaining the issue to $Supervisor, she disconnected the call.


MY NOTE NOT VIEWABLE BY END USER
2007-11-08 12:05:17
I was *not* rude to her, only firm. She stated that she PURPOSEFULLY did not pay us. I explained that she was still using our dsl and has to pay for it and *again* as per our terms of service, she allows us to debit the card on file instead of freezing the account.


MY NOTE 2007-11-08 12:12:27 -
$USER called back and I put her on hold to try to find $Supervisor. He had left for a meeting by the time that I was able to locate him, so I asked $USER for a call back number. She stated that she will be there until about 2pm.


She noted my survey with "I don't recall this person, so cannot comment adequately or fairly." and soon after opened this new ticket.

2007-11-29 14:33:51 -  (customer)
I just reviewed the above ticket and filled in your questionnaire regarding the various people with whom I had contact during resolution of the problem.

I want to amend a comment in regards to "Leslie C". I had called her in regards the fact that $Company had charged my credit card without my authorization. I told her that I had NOT paid the bill because of the issue regarding the problem I was having with the new webmail and the fact that in the changeover, a bunch of my file folders and contents had disappeared, and I was extremely upset about it. She replied that $Company, by contract with me, had a right to charge any card that they had a for, regardless of whether I had made arrangements for a regular monthly payment. I told her in no uncertain terms that I have been a $Company customer for some 4 years, that I have never had such a problem before, and that in fact, I had always received a courtesy notice, and that in fact previously, $Company, had suspended the account if necessary. SHE DIDN'T CARE, HAD NO CONCERN WHATSOEVER THAT I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN, LIVING ON A FIXED INCOME, AND THAT THE SERVICE WAS NOT BY A LONG-SHOT UP TO PAR. I asked to speak with a supervisor, she put me on hold for some 15 minutes, disappeared. I finally hung up, and when I called back, hoping I'd get somebody else, she informed me that her "supervisor" had just gone to lunch. And that she would have him call me back. HE NEVER DID. I thought her attitude was totally unprofessional and not designed to keep customers, and I were her supervisor, I would have fired her. She was resistant to getting a supervisor in the first place, stating there was none around, and when I kept insisting, she put me on hold and disappeared, as I said above.


I apparently hate old people and want to steal their lunch money and am invisible. Heh.

Happy Thanksgiving, Loves.

I am thankful for my life, and for the love in it. I have been blessed more than words can express with love that many take for granted. I have a husband, family and friends.

I have friends that bless me everyday with laughter, sincerity and love. People that I can turn to in need of cheering up or a shoulder to cry on at 11:30 at night. I am thankful for those people that have done so for me, and who have allowed me to be there for them. Crecia, Jen, Jarrod, Mike, the OPSU ruggers, Adilee, Angel, and everyone else that I havent mentioned here, but have love for in my heart.

I have a husband that knows and loves me for who I am. Regardless of disagreements, I know that this man will always stand by me, will be there when I need him and will need me too. I am thankful for the love that he gives me, and the little things. The way the crook of his neck smells when he hugs me, the twinkle in his eye when he laughs, and the blush of reddish purple he gets just before a fight. I love him in all things.

I have family that will be there no matter what. My family is now larger than I could have ever imagined and though we may not all be close, I cannot see my life without them. To Steve and Mimi, I love you both more than you can imagine. You have helped me be who I am and better because of you.

Dad is the one person in my life that I never knew that I would be close to. Through all the fights and tears, I love him because he is mine. He has imparted to me a wisdom of love and laughter and honor. I am blessed with his hard head and stubborn nature. He also gave me the soft heart underneath all the hardness. The light in his eye can make my day, and remind me that I am still Daddy's girl.

Never have I seen such joy in my dad as when he holds one of us close, from the grandchildren to adults. For this I will eternally be thankful, but beyond that, I have Terri and my stepsisters, and their children and everyone else that Terri has brought into our lives.

My stepmother has made our lives richer and happier than they really have ever been, through just being herself.

I am also blessed with a best friend in my Brother, who understands me like no other person has or will. He brings laughter and joy into my life in a way that no one can. He is my Brudda and no one can ever be better than him.

Next are the Chamberlains. Colleen and Jeff Chamberlain have welcomed me so happily into their lives and have been there for me when I was at a loss for answers in my life.
Mom has been there for me in the capacity of a mother, and a friend, to give me advice on being married to a Chamberlain like no one else can.

I've never seen sons look up to a father the way that the boys look up to Dad. He has shown me love that a daughter-in-law is lucky to have and given the boys a sense of respect and honor that forms a core in each of them.

I am lucky to call Eric, Amy and Alex my brothers and sisters. I give thanks because I get to grow into adulthood with them and watch them become more than siblings, but friends as well.

I am thankful that I have faith in whatever it is out there that makes life worth living and makes everything all right in the end because everything happens for a reason.  I am thankful for who I am and who I will be.

My life is a happy one and there can be no greater thing on this world.

*MWUAH*

What are you thankful for?

So, I've been putting off posting about the weekend because its been emotional and I didnt want to relive pain that I've already felt plenty of times. But I think I'm in a place that I can talk about it now.

Saturday:

Saturday is a rugby day! We went to Marymoore Park where the team played in a Round Robin tournament. I've posted pictures in my profile of the boyos. They're not gay, they're rugby players. Yeah.

After the game, Jeff dropped me off at Greenlake Park so that I could do the walk. It was really cool. We were all given lighted balloons; red for most, gold for remembrance and white for survivors. The whole lake was ringed with red lights. It was beautiful.

All in all I raised $910. The average team of 10 people raises $2000. I raised almost half of that because of you amazing people. I dont think you know how much it means to me. You are heros to me. Thank you.

That night, we went out after the walk and all raised beer, vodka or whatever the chosen drink was to Mom. And I didnt have to pay for anything. Neat!

Sunday:

Spent the day in a funk. Cried a little, but was just generally depressed. Ate cheese for dinner.
Yes. Cheese. Pesto Alouete spread, herbed brie and Goldy's dungeness crab and smoked artichoke hearts cheese and crackers. That was my dinner.

Monday:

Got to work at 6 am and was on my way home at 7:15. I read my brother's blog and lost it. I was hysterical. Didnt know why really, but HR sent me home, and I called Jeff to let him know and his boss answered and sent him home to take care of me.

I cried my way home in public. Humiliating, but I couldnt stop.

Instead of going home and coming back to pick jeff up, I went to 7-11, got bad food and pigged out for an hour while I waited for him. He took me home, put me to bed, hunted down a coaxle cable so that I could plug in the vcr to watch Ever After, let me fall asleep on him, and generally took great care of me.  

We made our way to the chapel in Harrison Hospital. I felt that it was fitting. I needed a quiet faith consecrated space and it was perfect. I realized what was affecting me the most. I feel guilty because I'm happy with my life and I recognize that the reason that my life is the way it is is because she passed away and we moved here. I feel guilty for being, in a roundabout way, "happy" that she died. I think I've made peace with that.

All in all, I'm tired. Tired of feeling. I'm going to work on setting up my room upstairs and getting it to be my consecrated space so I dont do this again.

Presently:

Right now, I'm okay. I've cried and soulsearched and I'm at a place where I can move on a little more.

Now, for the fun things.

Yesterday, a woman parked her car so damned close to mine that the side mirrors touched. I left her a note thanking her for not being such a complete asshole that she hit my car, but enough of an asshole that she parked close enough for our mirrors to touch. I also expressed my sincere appreciation for having to climb into my car via the passenger seat. How do I know it was a she? Well, she just so happened to have her name in the window on a "parking pass" thing. Stupid woman.

Last night, I watched the season premier of Beauty and the Geek. I learned the following from the beauties:

1. The american flag has 8 stars and 52 stripes.
2. Beethoven's 5th Symphony was written by Motzart and is a book that they have not read.
3. The Government does not have branches.
4. Politics should use less big words and use only a sentence because they're really trying to confuse people.
5. 15% of $475 is $15.

Just... wow.